The Ugly Truth

They say the truth sets you free, but what they don't tell you is how much it hurts.

Do you ever feel like you’ve been mentally and emotionally hit by a truck? That was me today.

I had someone very dear and close to me call me out on something that I didn’t want to acknowledge or admit about myself-which is this- I’ve been selfish, and lately more than ever.

I think that’s the hard part about best friends. But that is what makes a friend a true friend, when they can call out the ugly faults or habits that you are forming- even when it hurts or you don’t want to believe them.

And like a child I cried, pouted, denied it, and sat in it until I realized that if it was annoying me so much- I have to believe some part of it and that there has to be truth in it.

You see, my family has been going through a few years of hardships, from financial to losing loved ones. We are elbows deep in trying to grow our own business on top of my husband’s full time job and taking care of 3 kids. I'm a stay at home mom, not because we don't need the money but because daycare and sitting is so expensive and not in our reach.

Which has me realizing that for a few months now I’ve started to build this resentment and attitude towards our hardships. Through these times too, I have treated my workouts and running as an escape from all of that. Now, having quiet time and time to one’s self isn’t bad- I truly believe we all need that. My kids even need that. What isn’t healthy, though, is when I come back from that time irritated, entitled, and then take it out on my family and build up resentment inside my mind and heart.

Truth of the matter is, I’ve been so tired and sad with all the back to back struggles we’ve had that I have built a mentality in myself that “I deserve this” or “I deserve that” because I'll get tired of watching how hard my husband works and I'll be irritated that I can't bring anything in financially for our family yet. Today reminded me, humbly, that it is not my place to say that at all. I shouldn’t take anything for granted nor should I treat everything as it should belong to me because of this and this and this.

Honestly, my husband amazes me, if you ask him for the coat off his back, he would give it to you, even if it was his favorite coat and that company didn’t make them anymore. Whenever he visits his family overseas he always comes back home with less for himself. He will leave his shoes, pants, and shirts for his relatives. If not for our CFO in our company he would be giving everyone free pickleball lessons and paddles. That is how he is and how he has always been regardless of his hardships. Even during his frustrations and times of struggle he has always found it in his heart to give to someone else in a more dire situation. Somehow despite struggles it dumbfounds me that he is always still able to give. There’s been times when I’ve been like “It’s okay to keep it for yourself” but he will calmly remind me “it's just a pair of shoes” or “can you imagine how much harder it must be for them?”

That- that hasn’t been me lately (probably longer than I would care to share). I’m ashamed to admit it too. So, when I was brought with the truth of that today I did everything in my power to fight it.

It, however, got me thinking and when I drove to the store with my oldest to pick up something extra for dinner. I asked her “do you feel mommy is selfish sometimes? Do you ever feel like mommy is more worried about her happiness or her time or what she wants to do than your happiness, and your time and what you want to do?” She quietly and honestly answered “Yes, sometimes I do mom” It cut my heart. Although on a selfish scale from 1-10 with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest- she scored me a 1- it still stung.

When did I become a self-centered mom? When did I let my fitness and workout times become a getaway from those that I love? When did I become more about myself than those that I love? When did I start caring about material things and getting things for myself?

I would like to blame it on a million reasons: being an only child, money (or lack of it), always having to take care of the kids, never feeling like I had a voice growing up, the list goes on and on. The truth, though, is that I can only blame myself.

It puzzles me, when did this switch happen? The reason, I told myself, why I wanted to run and workout was to be better for my family but somewhere along the road it started to become more about me than them.

Honestly, I don’t know when or how, but what I do know is that I can make a genuine effort to change that and grow into the mom, wife, and runner that I want to be.

Yes, today hurt but when I hear it from the mouth of my own child- I know it's true and something needs to be re-evaluated. So, in the long run- I am thankful for this wake up call. I wish I could fix what's been done but I can't and that is hard for me- because I'm an obsessor of having to fix things when they make me feel uncomfortable.

I guess I have more to think about during my 30 min of walk/runs now and I guess you, whoever might be reading this, is coming on a longer and more in-depth journey than both you and I thought.

-Your Running Momma-