The journey back to contentment, self worth, and running.
The uphill battle. I’ve run uphill before, not my favorite type of running or practice runs but necessary nevertheless to prepare one’s body for races and to build one’s body for peak condition.
Lately my runs have been feeling like an uphill battle. Today I ran the longest I have in 1 month. I didn’t even hit 3 miles. I'm on day 5/30 of following Hal Higdon’s formula, I start off with 10 min of walking followed by 15 min of running and then 5 min of walking to cooldown. Since this morning I was running with a friend, I ran longer but did end up walking the last bit. We were on our way back to where I had parked my car and I decided that it was time for my body to walk. It was humbling but my friend who is also getting back into running was so gracious to come to a halt with me too and we both walked all the way to my car.
It is mind boggling to me the amount of fitness I’ve lost in just one month of taking off of running, playing pickleball and being sick pretty much every week of October. I am looking forward though and finding hope in this program and trying to find peace and refocus in these slow runs and
moments where I can’t go fast. I keep thinking to myself, “just one foot forward, just one foot in front of the other” I remind myself that the distance nor the pace matter what matters is getting out there, movement, motivation, consistency, resiliency, and putting that one foot in front of the other.
This revisit to running is forcing me to be gracious with myself and content with my body in this current phase. Along with losing my cardio fitness and capability of running miles with a decent HR I have also gained weight. Have I got on the scale? Honestly, I don’t want to. I can feel it in my cloth
es though. Jeans that were fitting just right are getting a bit to tight now. Although part of me desperately hopes it is because we have had to use the laundry mat dryers and the industrial dryers are stronger then the home ones, and the fact that my husband did mention that he noticed his clothes had shrunk and if anything he has been losing weight. Yet, even if that is a little piece of the tight clothes puzzle I know that it is probably true that some weight has been gained.
Which brings me to another outlook and viewpoint that i am taking towards running. You see, I’ll be honest the motivation for me to get back into running and any type of strength workout the past two years was solely to lose weight. I wanted to lose the baby #3 weight. I lost some of it and then gained a bit of it back- which has been disheartening. It has been two years and I am still almost 20lbs heavier than I was before I found out I was pregnant. I don’t know if I will ever get back to that weight again.
“Be gracious to yourself” floods my thoughts now. So for the past 2 years any form of running and workouts has been driven with this almost frustrating need to be smaller, to see that number get smaller, to see the pudginess disappear, and the clothes get bigger, and if that happened then that would mean I’m fit and then that would mean I’m happy. I realize though, looking at it all now, apart from pickleball- running and even some of my strength workouts had started to become a chore. Instead of it being something to bring me peace and happiness and a sense of motivation and relaxation it had started to bring me more frustration, disappointment in myself and my capabilities (always feeling like I was thousands of steps behind other moms and other runners), and the harder I worked the more egocentric I became on it and although I wasn’t running 30,40,60 miles a week, the little that I did run was a heavy burden on me mentally and began to become physically as well.
This slowing down, this 30 day challenge is forcing me to be content and at peace that what i’m capable of giving and delivering through my fitness capacities, although low in my mind, are enough,
are noteworthy, are beneficial, are something to be applauded for.
Would I like to lose weight- yes. Would I like my body to be stronger- yes. Would I like to be able to be able to fit in a smaller size and to have less love handles- of course I would. Do I look at old photos of myself and cry sometimes and throw my phone aside because I feel I am looking at a self that I will never see again, yes I do. Do I think I should start counting calories again and am I tempted to give up on sugars and start eliminating things out of my life because of frustration- yes I think that multiple times a day, but I haven’t.
Why? Well, I think what is becoming apparent to me is that so many times my love for exercise has started or been rooted in an almost disgust for myself and my body- something that has stemmed with me since my early teenager years.
Now being forced, with this starting from the ground up- I’m realizing I don’t want to start that same cyc
le over again. I don’t want to put one foot in front of the other because I hate who I am. i want to put one foot in front of the other because I love who I am and I know I am capable of amazing things no matter the size or number on the scale. And, if in this journey I end up having to buy clothes a size or two bigger then so be it- but I need to, for me, to start this new journey being gracious to myself and excepting that I’m beautiful regardless.
The hard part is that I am going to have to remind myself this multiple times through this journey but this is my run venture, my fitness venture, and my inner being venture.
-Your Running Momma-